Last sunday was ToughGuy. Dangerous Dave, Sammy and I have been practically vibrating with excitement to do this. So Saturday afternoon I drove us up to Mr Mouse's farm in Wolverhampton so we could meet the other competitors and get a good nights kip in a tent before hand. Garnsy came too to watch and take pictures. We were suprised by how many people had come from around the world to take part - only a couple of people on our campsite were English - we thought it best to take a look around the assualt course part with some of them to see what we had let ourselves in for. (You can see some of it here www.toughguy.co.uk ) We return to the campsite even more excited about tomorrow and try to force down a kilo of pasta each. In bed at 9.30...

Sunday morning arrives, we get up at 6.30 to stuff as many carbs down ourselves as possible and leave 4 hrs before the race starts. It is cold and early, all i want to do is get back into my sleeping bag and forget about any form of exercise.

by 10 we are changed into race gear - for me a thin kayaking top and a surfing rash vest, shorts and shin protectors plus fell running shoes with giant lugs on the bottom and weightlifting gloves. We pin on our race numbers being careful not to pin our nipples as well. Sam fails.

Its much colder than saturday and overcast. I need to wear a coat to stop myself freezing. decide to take a beanie in the race.

People are everywhere, it looks to be a massive spectator event. This year there are nearly 8000 competitors too. We put our towles and clean clothes into the changing barn where we stop to grease ourselves from head to toe in vaseline not only to help against the cold but also keep the fetid water we will be in later from our skin. lubed to the max we mill about the starting line feeling very amatuer amongst all the squaddies, teams and obvious keep fit gurus. Our race numbers are drawn on our foreheads with permanent marker by race officials so they can identify bodies. some guys are doing it in just sparkling thongs, we have much respect, but edge away slowly.

the start is staggered - we begin in about 5-6000 place at the top of the main hill (race number dictated) about 5 mins after the initial cannon goes off. smoke grenades, fireworks, more cannons and screaming accompanies the start. The three of us are sticking together in the chaos and trying to get towards the from of the pack. The course is wide but still too narrow for all these people. We nip under the barrier and are running parallel through the carpark, toilets and spectators to overtake the slow people.

The run is 15 km cross country, through rivers, woods and deep mud tracks. about 10km in a massive smell of shit hits us, dear god, there are 3, 8ft deep concrete pits with horse and cow shit at the bottom we have to jump in each one then climb out the other side the last one Sam doesn't jump far enough from the edge and goes up to his waist. Dave, Sam and I lose each other about here.

In front now and into the distance is a tall slope, the marked course zig-zigs up and down this 5 times. By the end my thighs are burning. about 3km later there is a section where we repeatedly cross a very muddy river, we are now filthy and wet to the waist.

straight after this is about 200m of cargo net laying across lumpy, rocky ground which we crawl under with a bazillion other people to get caught up in. every few meters is a water pit of unknown depth, i jump into the second and go upto my neck. its fucking freezing. some of them require teamwork to get out of as the steep, wet and muddy slopes are impossible to climb.

a run through more woods and we can see thousands of spectators, this is the start of the Killing fields assault course. The obstacles are up to 40 ft high and i cant beleive how dangerous - this is why we signed the 'death warrant' before hand which stopped us suing the organisers.

Over walls, through electric fences, crawling under barbed wire, over fire pits, running through a swamp, vaulting blocks etc it goes on and on. Crawling on the ground for some obstacles is sucking the heat out of us. A huge climbing obstacle is decended by traversing a rope over a lake. Im finding it difficult to gain places as there are so many people on the obstacles. I see paramedics regularly tending broken legs and hypothermia victims.

Now the water obstacles start in earnest. The worst is the fear tunnels which comprises 5 lengthening swims underwater. The water is about 1 degree C and when I get out i am seeing stars and my head feels like its being crushed with the cold. Nothing works properly but i force myself to run knowing i'll get hypothermia soon if i don't. People around me are disoriented and falling over, talking rubbish and shaking voilently. Many are with ambulance staff getting warmed up. I run on until i am a bit warmer. Next is another climb up a cargo net to Walk The Plank, which is what it says. I am not excited about seeing water again especially as the 15 ft drop means you go all the way under. once in you swim to the other side of the lake amidst divers pulling people out. a couple of guys are hanging on to me they are so disoriented. I lead them over some floating barrels where a guy gets dangerously stuck between two sections in the water. We all stop to get him out.  I yell at people  to get running and warm up. The water obsticles go on until I am sure the end must be nearing. A very muddy run and a water slide follow where the fire brigade hose us down. A small hill is the final obstacle that people are crawling up then its the finish line. Space blankets are given out and tea thrust at us.

In the finishing barn there are hundreds of big bury guys in space blankets shaking so much they cant hold a cup of tea. few can talk, its all a bit surreal. I feel suprisingly good, discard my blanket and head to my designated changing room. Here i find Dave lying on the floor shaking violently and half changed. i get him changed and put some of my clothes on him. This takes about half an hour as he cant really help and keeps cramping up, plus im pretty numb too. The whole place looks like a 1950's field hospital. bodies all over the place with shocked looking people and plently of bloody legs. i get changed and sam arrives looking hollow. Garns comes in too bringing an endless supply of tea. he was wearing jumpers and coats whilst spectating but is still freezing cold.

It takes a good hour for us to warm up properly, we go to watch guys still doing the course afterwards and check our times. we were aiming for 3 hrs but got 1.57, 2.21 and 2.08 for Dave, Sam and I respectively. This puts me in 1063rd place. over 50% of people did not finish. I drive us all home before the crowds devide to leave. it seems a long way back.

definitely be back next year.